Cowboy Movie Star.  By Arlene Hendriks.

Come and hear, all you who fear the LORD,
and I will tell you what He has done for my soul.
Psalm 66:16

Ecclesiastes 5:20 For [s]he will not often be pierced by the years of [her] life, because God keeps [her] occupied with the gladness of [her] heart.

I spent my early years in the Midwest, until graduating from high school, at which time I moved to California with my parents and never returned. I had many difficult times there and many bad memories. I had no desire to ever see the place again.

And then God…With a quick and deft flick of His wrist, He transported me back to Nebraska to care for my aunt and my mom. While there, the idea of returning to my childhood hometown began to creep into my heart. In the intervening years, the LORD had done much healing, and now, a desire to go back and walk the streets of the old neighborhood, deliberately recognizing and inviting the LORD into those places of pain, and celebrating the ones He has already healed, began to grow. With the coming of spring, the plan began to take shape as friends were available to care for my aunt. My mom was now with the LORD, so it was only my aunt to care for, and with preparations complete I was ready to embark on this new adventure.

Surely goodness and lovingkindness will pursue me all the days of my life…  – Psalm 23:6

I realized that where my eyes have read and my mouth has spoken “all the days of my life,” my heart was believing, “all the rest of my life,” as though He had been somewhere else most of the time during my childhood, only dipping in once in a while. On the eve of this trip, little did I realize the amazing journey God had planned in order to show me His pursuing love all the days of my life.

I had picked up a map of the town several weeks before my trip, and the night before I left, I spent some time with it trying to orient myself to all the changes which had taken place during the time I had been gone. I marked streets and routes I intended to traverse, folded the map and put it with my stuff.

The next day, as I was approaching my destination, I looked in my map bag for the
map—not there. I looked in the map pocket of my car—nope. I searched my backpack, my food bag, the cooler bag—huh-uh. “Lord, do You remember where I put my map?”
No answer.

Well, I’ll just have to find a AAA office to get another map. Shouldn’t be too hard. Just then I passed a sign offering a welcome to tourists and advising taking the next exit to get to the Tourist Information Center. Sounds good to me. I’m a tourist and I need information. Taking the next exit, I kept my eyes peeled for further directions.

But soon I was in the downtown area without ever having seen the rest of the directions to get to the Tourist Information Center. I drove around for some minutes trying to orient myself to anything with a familiar look. It was as though I had never been there before. Everything had changed. I even drove down Historic 4th Street, thinking it would look familiar. Not at all. I circled back again to take another go ‘round when there on my right was a sign, “Flood Music.”

Something dinged in the back of my head, and I swung into the parking space right in front of the store. Entering, I greeted the two young men behind the counter.

“I used to live here, and I’m trying to orient myself. I seem to remember this store. Has it been here long?”

‘Yes,” they replied, “Ray Flood owned it before us, and he was here a long time.” Looking around, I suddenly knew. This was the very place I had taken accordion lessons when I was in tenth grade. It was the store where my parents bought the accordion they gave me that Christmas of my tenth grade year! I saw the room where I took my lessons, and remembered the joy of the music I learned to play.

“Is there a AAA office near here, or can you tell me how to get to the tourist center?”
I asked.

It turned out that the AAA office was only a few blocks away and much less complicated to reach than the tourist center, so I was soon on my way to pick up a new map. Driving over there, I was marveling at having seen that store, not on my list of sites, and which I hadn’t thought about for years.

Then the LORD dropped into my heart, “It was I who orchestrated the whole adventure with the accordion. I knew you needed something to do to keep you off the streets, and I was the One who shepherded you in this direction.”

“But I was at my brattiest, hating You, blaming You for all my troubles. How could You have planned such a wondrous distraction for me when I had told You to get lost and leave me alone?”

“I knew you. I formed you in your mother’s womb, and I knit all your parts together. I knew you were searching for Me. You just didn’t know it yet.”

“Wow! What Awesome grace! What amazing love! What tender Fathering! Thank You, Abba.”

Arriving at the AAA office, I inquired about a map. The lady was quite friendly, helping me orient myself, showing me various landmarks. “Here’s the old auditorium,” she said. It was just a couple of blocks away. “And here is a wonderful quiet place to go for reflection or meditation. It’s beautifully landscaped, and you can just go there to be quiet or look around.” She showed me its location, and I realized it was right in the area I was planning to spend the most time.

Driving away, I found myself at a stop sign with the auditorium right in front of me. Suddenly I knew I had to go there. Parking the car, I approached the building, not knowing if I could get inside or not. To my surprise, the door opened and I walked in. I stopped at the office window inside and asked if I could walk around.

It was no longer an auditorium, but had been converted to a family center where various games and activities took place. Since it was in the middle of the day, and school was in session, not much was happening there, and they readily agreed that I could wander around and look. Soon I found myself in the main room, where all the events took place when I was a kid. It was now a huge room with ping-pong tables, table hockey, basketball court and many other activities.

My attention was drawn to the stage area, now a climbing wall, with ropes dangling from dizzying heights, foot holds and hand holds protruding from a sculptured granite-looking structure covering the three walls of the stage. I walked forward to stand in the spot where I had sat all those years ago, my young heart thrilled to be able to see my hero in person. I remembered the breathless anticipation of waiting for the curtains to part and to be face to face with my favorite cowboy hero.

In a time when my heart was hard and closed to everybody, somehow, this cowboy had become my imaginary friend who walked with me every day as I pushed my bicycle up the steep hill to school. I was able to talk with him without the garbage associated with every other relationship I had.

Now, sitting in the auditorium, I strained to catch the first glimpse of him, to lock eyes with him and see a dawning recognition of some kind of connection. It wasn’t a romantic obsession; I just wanted to be known and accepted, and I thought if he just caught sight of me, the friendship would be sealed.

Suddenly the lights dimmed, the curtain opened, and the show began. It was all I had hoped for, except that with the auditorium lights dimmed, he couldn’t see me! I kept waiting for the lights to go up so he could see me, but when the show ended, the stage lights dimmed on the final scene of the show, then the curtains slowly closed. I was crushed.

Searching for a way for my dream to not be ended, I saw some of the kids heading off to the left, trying to get backstage. I elbowed my way to the front of the crowd, pressing our way forward. Reaching the stage door, I saw it swing open, and—There he was!!!! My heart lunged toward him, knowing that if he just caught my eye, he would invite me in. Instead, I heard him say, in a rough and disinterested voice to the guard standing next to him, “Now, you’re going to have to keep these kids out of here.”

But, of course, that doesn’t mean me…I strained to catch his eye as the door closed in my face.
A collective moan came from the crowd around me, but in my heart I was adding another layer of bitterness and despair to protect the tattered shreds of my heart. “Well, now I guess you know how stupid you were to ever think anyone would want to be friends with you. You thought you were so special. I guess you know the truth now.” And my heart closed tighter than ever.

It was just a few months ago when that incident was brought back to my memory, and the disappointment rose again, with much less intensity than when I was in 7th grade, but I could tell that a splinter was still there, piercing from time to time.

So I went to the LORD with this to ask Him for His truth. He showed me the lie I believed, that no one would value me enough to want to be friends with me, and I was stupid to engage in a silly fantasy that someone cared for me and valued me.

As He led me through that day when my fantasy was shattered and my heart grew colder, He invited me to bring my present knowledge of Him into this painful memory, and to trust that He had truth to speak into my lingering belief that I was not worth valuing. In my memory I was again in the auditorium, my heart beating wildly for just a glance, a smile of recognition, anything I could carry with me to feed the fantasy. I was elbowing my way to the front of the crowd, then the door was closing in my face, and I was turning away, crushed, lonely and despairing, allowing the heat of my anger to warm the coldness of my heart.

But this time, as I turned away and began walking down the ramp to the exit, I sensed someone walking alongside me. Turning, I saw, in my mind, the figure of Jesus close beside me. As I looked into His face, I could see His warm smile and the twinkle in His eyes. Suddenly I knew! Someone really did come and walk to school with me in those difficult days. Someone really did listen to my childish prattle, hearing not just my words, but catching all the tears my heart shed. Someone really did love and value me enough to spend that time with me every day. That Someone was not my favorite cowboy movie star, however. It was the One Who created me, Who knew every nook and cranny of my broken heart and longed to lay me across His lap, gather together the tattered pieces of my heart and mend them with His perfect stitches. It was a momentous time of healing a very deep wound.

Now I was standing in that very spot, worshipping my Savior, breathless with wonder at the depth of His mercy and grace, amazed that I was so crushed to have my fantasy broken, that I didn’t even recognize what He was trying to show me in the midst of my pain.

I was awestruck at His tender patience and pursuing love. More than 50 years later, He still remembered, and He wanted, even now, to plant the truth of His love in my heart, not just for the rest of my life, but for all the days of my life.

I walked over to the stage door, turned deliberately away and welcomed my Lord to walk with me. I confessed my sin of exchanging the glory of the incorruptible God – One Who never left me or abandoned me, One Who tenderly pursued me down the corridors of my life with perfect integrity and faithfulness, One Who continually plotted my restoration through all the events of my life; I had exchanged recognizing Who He was for the likeness of a man – one who cared only for his own pleasure and comfort.

O, the depth of the riches both of the wisdom and knowledge of God! How unsearchable are His judgments and unfathomable His ways !  -Rom 11:33