Vows of Love.  By Sara Cain.

Wedding vows are often written by the bride and groom. Dan and I decided to recite I Corinthians 13:4-7 to each other at the altar. Even though it was 51 years ago that I looked him in the eye and spoke those words, I remember well the depth of my love and commitment to him and the belief that this would make our marriage perfect:  all we had to do is live by these rules.

Half a century later, I’m seeing that our marriage is not perfect -because we are not perfect people- and I’m struggling with living by these words every day.  On our wedding day, Dan was young and healthy and very strong. These days, he is an elderly man with many physical and mental limitations.

The interesting thing is, God’s commands never come with disclaimers, or words like, “unless things change” or “never mind if it’s too hard or feels unfair”. Our life circumstances are going to go through many changes, but God does not change, His values and commandments do not change.

Here are the words of I Corinthians 13:4-7 that Dan and I included in our vows:

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.

It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.

Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.

It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

These are important words for a married couple to live by, but Jesus gave these words to all of us in reference to loving everyone He puts in our path.  His last commandment before He was arrested and crucified was this:

A new command I give you:  Love one another. 

As I have loved you, so you must love one another.” – John 13:34

This is a lot more challenging when filtered through the “love chapter” description of what love looks and sounds like. The best description of love is Jesus dying on the cross for us and all that He endured to bring us salvation, but we accept that easily because we are the benefactors of that love, we are on the receiving end of His love.

It’s a whole different story when we are put on the giving end.

Patience.  Our English dictionary defines it this way:

• Bearing pains or trials calmly or without complaint
• Manifesting forbearance under provocation or strain
• Steadfast despite opposition, difficulty, or adversity

That’s a tall order!  In our flesh, this is impossible to live up to all the time. Just reading these words as I type them makes me feel like a failure because I know my track record, especially this past year as I struggle to adjust to the changing conditions of living with new limitations and challenges. I might pat myself on the back for meeting some of these standards pretty often, except for that phrase, “without complaint”.  I struggle with keeping negative thoughts at bay as I acknowledge to myself that this life I’m living now isn’t what I planned, nor does it look like my future will be what I desired.  Sometimes those thoughts cause words to come out that are unkind, unloving and without grace, even cruel sometimes.

But what turns all of that around is knowing the Bible’s definition of the word patience.

The Hebrew word for waiting patiently is not a negative message. English definitions are not wrong but lack the positive life-giving power boost.

The Hebrew word “qavah” actually means to eagerly expect God to act, and to be ready to spring into action when He does.

Now patience upgrades to this: Steadfast despite opposition, difficulty, or adversity because I am eagerly expecting and prepared for God to act in my best interest.

Don’t overlook the words “be ready to spring into action” in that definition because we have our part to do to receive the fruit of patience. God teaches us, giving us more wisdom, compassion and understanding in our waiting as we inspect our own heart, opening it even more to receive what He wants to give us.

Acknowledging God’s goodness to us takes us from a negative “have to do something really hard and unpleasant that I don’t want to do or that seems unfair”  to a positive of “eagerly looking forward to whatever good thing God is bringing to my life.”

Also, in Aramaic, the word used here means literally, “love transforms the spirit.”

As I navigate this new life routine, and you walk your challenging paths, we can “rejoice in our tribulations” (apostle Paul’s words) as love transforms our spirit; we know God is providing only the best for us, so we don’t need to struggle with “bearing our circumstance” but can eagerly look forward to God’s goodness in it. We can respond to situations requiring patience joyfully!  Living with Holy Spirit in us, patience is a gift to us, and we give that gift away to others when needed.

Love does not dishonor others.

Love demands that we do not dishonor those we say we love by way of oversharing what should remain just between the people in the relationship. This is especially true between husbands and wives. Marriage is based on intimacy of the heart and mind as well as physical. “The two shall become one” is more than about the marriage bed, but also being a partnership where secrets are honored as secrets and feelings about dreams and disappointments are shared with each other only, except when the dreamer or disappointed one chooses to share and with whom. Social media has made it so easy for satan to tempt us into oversharing and eroding the intimacy that God intended for marriage and deep friendships. Broken trust is very difficult to restore, and is only successful by the grace of God.

Another way we might dishonor someone is to complain about their character flaws to others, and certainly by gossip, which is character assassination, a type of murder. No relationship can be healthy without controlling our tongue. The book of James has quite a lot to say about the damage that can come by way of our uncontrolled speech.

“Those who consider themselves religious and yet do not keep a tight rein on their tongues deceive themselves, and their religion is worthless.” – James 1:26

While there are many ways to dishonor people we love, our speech, our thoughts and attitudes that decide our words, are by far the most challenging for most of us to control. If we sincerely love, we will turn the control of our tongue over to Holy Spirit and be obedient to Him, filtering our thoughts and words through Him. Not just that one time you “gave your heart to Jesus and were saved,” but every time you hear the unloving thoughts approaching before the words start tumbling out.  Every. Time.

We must have integrity in our relationships, to BE who we claim to be, because the opposite is hypocrisy, and hypocrisy destroys families, churches, and the testimony of Christianity.

~ Abba, Your patience toward me allows me to grow more like You. ~

The Message interprets Ephesians 5:1-2 this way:

“Watch what God does, and then you do it, like children who learn proper behavior from their parents. Mostly what God does is love you. Keep company with him and learn a life of love. Observe how Christ loved us. His love was not cautious but extravagant. He didn’t love in order to get something from us but to give everything of himself to us. Love like that.”

As we allow ourselves to be transformed by the reading of God’s Word and Holy Spirit teaching us, we will carry the family resemblance of our Heavenly Father and Jesus. The more we become like them, the more our hearts will be filled with love and goodness spilling out to others. Our marriages will be stronger and more joyful. Our friendships and church family will be held by deeper bonds. Our relationship with our community and world will become more impactful and glorify our Father.